Portlandia Fan Fiction. January 2013.

So late last night I was tossing and turning, not able to sleep comfortably, or at all. Out of nowhere, I started to hear Fred and Carrie from Portlandia commenting on the situation, as if they were doing a comedy sketch. I couldn’t sleep. So I wrote this fan fiction comedy sketch.


Fred and Carrie are filming a commercial for their new business. They are in the business of selling custom sleep positions.


Fred is directing.


Carrie is stretching before the shoot. To warm up for the first take, Fred makes her brownies to make her saliva flow.


Fred:  “Okay, now give me a good gargle.”


Carrie gargles her saliva.


Fred:  “That’s good. I think we’re ready. What do you think, how’re you feeling about this one?”


Carrie attempts to respond to Fred, but having a mouthful of water, that water just flows down her chin when she attempts to speak.


Fred:  “Okay, I think so too.”


Carrie is then shown to be sleeping on the bed, her mouth open, pillow soaked with drool. Fred holds a sign next to her sleeping face indicating that sleep position is trademarked.


Fred:  “Annnnd, cut!”


Carrie:  “I think that went well.”


Fred: “I do too. Should we move on to the next shot?”


Carrie: “Yeah, I’m feeling like we nailed that one.”


Carrie lifts her head. The pillow is stuck to her face.


Fred:  “You’ve got a little something…” he brushes his own cheek with his forefinger.


Carrie rubs her unstuck cheek, “What is it? Is it gone?”

Fred:  “Yeah, it’s gone.”




Carrie is getting ready for the next sleep position. She lies stomach down over a step ladder.


Two hours later, Fred tilts his head upside down to talk to Carrie, who is still lying over the ladder.


Fred:  “How are you feeling Carrie?”


Carrie:  “Let’s do this.”


Carrie reaches out her hand to Fred.


Carrie:  “Fred, help me up.”


The scene then switches to Fred sitting in his director’s chair.


Fred:  “Annnnd, action!”


Carrie is shown lying stomach down, butt in the air. Fred holds the trademark sign next to her butt.


Fred:  “Annnnd, cut!”


Carrie: “You know, this is actually pretty comfortable.”


Fred:  “Yeah, it looks really comfortable.”




Later in the show, the characters come back to the sketch. This time they are out in the community, claiming royalties for people sleeping in their trademarked positions.


It’s nighttime. Fred is in his director’s attire. Carrie is toting a very bright light, which is currently off. They are in the bedroom of a sleeping man. He is drooling, mouth open.


They both squat down by the sleeping man’s face.


Fred:  “Do you think that we should just…” the sleeping man snores loudly, then quiets.


Fred:  “Do you think we should just…” again, the man makes a very loud snoring noise.


Carrie puts her hand over the sleeping man’s mouth.


Carrie:  “What were you saying Fred?”


Fred:  “You know, I don’t remember.” They both look at the man and roll their eyes. Carrie releases her hand from over his mouth.


Carrie turns the light on, lighting the room up brightly.


Fred holds their trademark sign next to the man’s head.


They both hold out their hands, palm up in front of the man’s face.


Fred:  “That will be fifty dollars. Excuse me, sir? Sir? That’s fifty dollars.”


Carrie:  “Sir? You enjoying your rest? You have to pay for that you know.”


Fred:  “Fifty. Dollars. Sir?”




For the next scene, Fred and Carrie are in a nursery room. There is a baby lying in a crib, stomach down, butt up.


Fred holds the trademark sign next to the baby’s butt.


Fred and Carrie stick their hands through the bars of the crib.


Fred:  “Excuse me, ma’am? That’s fifty dollars.”


Carrie:  “No wonder the economy’s bad. Nobody wants to pay for a good product anymore. Everyone wants to get everything free.”


Fred:  “Fifty. Dollars. Now, please. Ma’am?”